The inspiration for this article comes from a recent conversation the author had with a friend. The author was asked to share his opinion on the topic of having expectations within our relationships, as the friend was experiencing some challenges in a relationship with a spouse.
The author thought that this may be a topic that appeals to many us and therefore decided to do this article. Thus, the article is written in such a way which may be most applicable to relationships we have with our significant others, or romantic relationships, but not limited to these relationships.
This article is a bit longer than the usual articles and therefore requires a bit more time to read - just a heads up! Also, the author is merely sharing humble opinions here, and is by no means a counsellor or a professional advisor.
Okay, with that said, let's dig in!
Let's say, for example, we are baking a cake. Of course, we bake the cake with the idea or expectation that it will turn out delicious and in good, firm shape. We never start to mix the ingredients of a cake, hoping to pull a hump of charcoal out of the oven, do we? Or maybe some of us do, but that may be a little bit insane. Just a little bit.
Additionally, we may start a sketch or a design, with the idea or the expectation of what we want it to look like in the end. Setting actions into motion with a specific outcome in mind is absolutely normal and understandable. It is the ambition that drives us. Who wants to take on a project, without hoping for a successful outcome? See, this is also how we manifest. We manifest our realities into existence, with a specific outcome in mind. This is what we label 'intentions' and there is nothing wrong with having intentions.
What we are attempting to express through this, is that expectation itself is normal, but placing our desire for lasting peace, fulfilment and happiness into an expectation, this is where our suffering comes in, and thus an unwise act. It is nearly like a sin we commit against ourselves.
See, if we bake a cake and it flops, even though we hoped for it to be perfect, we can laugh about it and say "Oh well, next time we shall do this or that different, we learnt from this". So, we are not placing our happiness on the outcome of the cake. Whatever the outcome is, it does not disturb our peace. This is the main point we are attempting to express here.
No outcome, whatever it may be, should be able to disturb our peace, because peace and happiness lies within. It is unmovable, indestructible, ever-present. It is nothing separate from us, from who we are right now, and have always been.
It is not uncommon that we step into relationships with expectations. We seek something from our partners, and when we cannot get what we seek, we get frustrated, we suffer and we create more suffering. We impute the idea of true peace and happiness upon our partners, and when the relationship starts to change or dissolve, as all are bound to impermanence, the mind starts to get agitated. Anxiety comes up because the object of peace and happiness is starting to change. See what is happening? We feel threatened because our idea of happiness is changing. Our own ideas that we created starts to become a threat to us! Thus, we are creating our own threats, our own unhappiness.
Imagine if we were truly at peace inside, would we ever expect our partners to offer us peace at mind? And with this we mean, any expectations that could disturb our inner peace, or which arise from the desire for lasting peace and happiness.
What we are addressing here, refers to the more subtle levels of relationships. The author would like to suggest that again, there is nothing wrong with having expectations in a relationship, but never having expectations of attaining happiness and peace through or from our partners.
What is meant through all of this, is that when two people want to be together and live or work together, they usually decide to do so consciously and free-willingly. Thus, it is recommended that we respect each other, to find a middle-way and try to make the relationship work. This includes that we express towards our partners what we like, what we dislike, and together we try to create a harmonious space. It is really magical, two Universes merging and sharing the same space, while being influenced by the other. Magic!
However, with the wisdom and understanding that both individuals are merely seeking happiness and fulfilment, we can start to work together.
Of course, the first step would be to acknowledge this, from both sides, by admitting that "I want lasting peace and happiness, and so do you"
Then, we acknowledge that we cannot ever find lasting peace and happiness within each other, and that it can only be found within ourselves.
So now, both parties know that they want the same thing. Both parties can acknowledge and agree on this. Moreover, both parties share the same Being, and they share the same suffering of Samsara too. This creates a bond, and this brings us together and opens each other's hearts to compassion towards another. Both parties can agree on this too, and we acknowledge this.
However, the understandings and acknowledgements of the above must be true and honest. Not mere words. The acknowledgement must be true and sincere, from our hearts.
From this point, we walk the path together, and we support another. We know what we seek, and we consciously and free-willingly decide to be a team, and to walk each other Home. We seek nothing from each other, while at the same time we try our best to be the very best versions of ourselves, for our partners. We love and respect each other in such a way, that we make each other feel free. Unconditional Love
The author thought that this may be a topic that appeals to many us and therefore decided to do this article. Thus, the article is written in such a way which may be most applicable to relationships we have with our significant others, or romantic relationships, but not limited to these relationships.
This article is a bit longer than the usual articles and therefore requires a bit more time to read - just a heads up! Also, the author is merely sharing humble opinions here, and is by no means a counsellor or a professional advisor.
Okay, with that said, let's dig in!
Like baking a cake
Before we delve deep into the subject of expectation, the author would like to express the following.Personally, the author would like to suggest that there is nothing wrong with having expectations. We are having this beautiful experience here, as humans, interacting and creating, expressing ourselves through creativity. Even creating beautiful and meaningful relationships! We are not robots, operating in a cold, mechanical way. Life is meant to be a variety of experiences, and we can experience all of them passionately!
Let's say, for example, we are baking a cake. Of course, we bake the cake with the idea or expectation that it will turn out delicious and in good, firm shape. We never start to mix the ingredients of a cake, hoping to pull a hump of charcoal out of the oven, do we? Or maybe some of us do, but that may be a little bit insane. Just a little bit.
Additionally, we may start a sketch or a design, with the idea or the expectation of what we want it to look like in the end. Setting actions into motion with a specific outcome in mind is absolutely normal and understandable. It is the ambition that drives us. Who wants to take on a project, without hoping for a successful outcome? See, this is also how we manifest. We manifest our realities into existence, with a specific outcome in mind. This is what we label 'intentions' and there is nothing wrong with having intentions.
What we are attempting to express through this, is that expectation itself is normal, but placing our desire for lasting peace, fulfilment and happiness into an expectation, this is where our suffering comes in, and thus an unwise act. It is nearly like a sin we commit against ourselves.
See, if we bake a cake and it flops, even though we hoped for it to be perfect, we can laugh about it and say "Oh well, next time we shall do this or that different, we learnt from this". So, we are not placing our happiness on the outcome of the cake. Whatever the outcome is, it does not disturb our peace. This is the main point we are attempting to express here.
No outcome, whatever it may be, should be able to disturb our peace, because peace and happiness lies within. It is unmovable, indestructible, ever-present. It is nothing separate from us, from who we are right now, and have always been.
Contaminated happiness
Now, let's go a bit deeper into this. Expectation. What is this? Expectation would mean that we are desiring something that is not present right now.
And if we are totally honest with ourselves, we shall find that nearly all the time, what we are desiring, in the most deepest sense, is lasting peace, happiness and fulfilment. Even though it may appear different on the surface...
For example, we are wishing for a new car or a new home or to travel or a family or money, because we feel that this may bring us peace at mind and happiness. Or, for example, the idea that if we can only find a job, then we can be truly happy, because a job means money, and money means we can buy stuff that we like, and this means we shall have stuff we like and therefore we shall be happy! But, in reality, we know that this is not the case at all. On the contrary...
This feeling that we are lacking something now (lacking true happiness and fulfilment) takes us away from the precious present moment, and it takes us to an illusionary future. We have this expectation that what we are lacking now, will be found in the future.
Now, let's consider the following carefully. If what we are seeking can be found in the future, it means that it can also be lost again. Is this not true?
Something we do not have now, is something we are supposed to attain. And, attainment means that we can lose it again too. Does this make sense? Thus, by placing happiness in a future period or situation or object, means that we shall definitely lose this happiness again too, as it is contaminated happiness. Or, as said in Buddhism, a dependant-arising happiness and not true peace and happiness.
Any object, be this a physical object, a mental object, like thoughts and ideas, these are all bound to change. We can never seek lasting peace and fulfilment in any of them.
Once we realize this, we turn inward.
Once we realize this, we turn inward.
Having an expectation is actually denying the very thing that we are expecting.
Expectation creates the idea that happiness is separate from us, and immediately takes our attention away from the present.
It is not the ego that is expecting anything. The ego is not a separate entity within itself, that does activities, no. The mere thought or activity of expectation, that is the ego.
Creating our own unhappiness
Taking the above mentioned into consideration, we can try to apply this understanding to expectations within relationships too.It is not uncommon that we step into relationships with expectations. We seek something from our partners, and when we cannot get what we seek, we get frustrated, we suffer and we create more suffering. We impute the idea of true peace and happiness upon our partners, and when the relationship starts to change or dissolve, as all are bound to impermanence, the mind starts to get agitated. Anxiety comes up because the object of peace and happiness is starting to change. See what is happening? We feel threatened because our idea of happiness is changing. Our own ideas that we created starts to become a threat to us! Thus, we are creating our own threats, our own unhappiness.
Imagine if we were truly at peace inside, would we ever expect our partners to offer us peace at mind? And with this we mean, any expectations that could disturb our inner peace, or which arise from the desire for lasting peace and happiness.
What we are addressing here, refers to the more subtle levels of relationships. The author would like to suggest that again, there is nothing wrong with having expectations in a relationship, but never having expectations of attaining happiness and peace through or from our partners.
What is meant through all of this, is that when two people want to be together and live or work together, they usually decide to do so consciously and free-willingly. Thus, it is recommended that we respect each other, to find a middle-way and try to make the relationship work. This includes that we express towards our partners what we like, what we dislike, and together we try to create a harmonious space. It is really magical, two Universes merging and sharing the same space, while being influenced by the other. Magic!
A mutual understanding
Just as we are seeking true fulfilment, our partners are seeking it too. And, just as we unskillfully seek fulfilment in our relationships, our partners may too. So, in the end, we have two individuals that are depending on another for happiness. Imagine how sensitive and unstable such a relationship can be? Both parties feeling intimidated and threatened all the time, because their idea or object of imputed peace and happiness may change at any given moment. This is indeed a recipe for disaster!However, with the wisdom and understanding that both individuals are merely seeking happiness and fulfilment, we can start to work together.
Of course, the first step would be to acknowledge this, from both sides, by admitting that "I want lasting peace and happiness, and so do you"
Then, we acknowledge that we cannot ever find lasting peace and happiness within each other, and that it can only be found within ourselves.
So now, both parties know that they want the same thing. Both parties can acknowledge and agree on this. Moreover, both parties share the same Being, and they share the same suffering of Samsara too. This creates a bond, and this brings us together and opens each other's hearts to compassion towards another. Both parties can agree on this too, and we acknowledge this.
However, the understandings and acknowledgements of the above must be true and honest. Not mere words. The acknowledgement must be true and sincere, from our hearts.
From this point, we walk the path together, and we support another. We know what we seek, and we consciously and free-willingly decide to be a team, and to walk each other Home. We seek nothing from each other, while at the same time we try our best to be the very best versions of ourselves, for our partners. We love and respect each other in such a way, that we make each other feel free. Unconditional Love
A journey Home
This does not mean that the journey Home is a smooth stroll along the beach, no. We can imagine how two stones are grinding each other, shaping each other and polishing each other until they are smooth and shiny. Both of them, not just the one and not the other. We often see this in a river or in the ocean.
The same with our journeys Home, we work together and try our best. It can go two ways:
We may walk each other Home, or halfway through the journey the road can get too tough and paths separate.
Surely, this is not always what we want to hear, but this is the reality. Acknowledging that two individuals are not compatible for another as life-partners. This does not mean that love does not exist. This does not mean that a friendship or companionship does not exist. It is simply what it is, and we should acknowledge that too. If not, resistance is created, and again, it is not the ego creating resistance, but this resistance itself is the ego.
By stepping away from a situation that does not serve us, does not mean that we are cowardly running away or that it is the 'ego' discriminating between what is good and not. It also does not mean that we are simply 'giving up'. When we and our partners are not compatible, we can still heal the suffering or the Karma that we have together, we can still resolve issues, but again, without expectations. Simply healing, loving.
We have this in-born intuition, and we have this knowing of what serves us, and what not, we can feel this. When we find ourselves in a difficult situation, we can step away from it. Loving and honouring ourSelf is not a crime. Loving and honouring ourSelf allows us to love and honour those around us.
A mirror of Love
Those of us who are unhappy on the inside, we manifest an unhappy reality too. Our unhappiness manifests physically and we end up hurting and harming those around us too.
So, the biggest gift we can give our Universe, is to be at peace internally. This is the biggest gift we can give all those around us. Finding true and lasting peace and fulfilment within.
Imagine if we can be a mirror for our partners and everyone else, and when they look at us, especially when they are disturbed and unhappy, they just see Unconditional Love and acceptance and peace, and it awakens the Unconditional Love, peace and acceptance within them too! We remind each other who we truly are.
Imagine the kind of person we needed when we forgot who we truly are. Now, we can actually be that person for those around us.
To conclude, we want to emphasize again that we can never find true, lasting peace and fulfilment anywhere, besides within ourselves. Seeking it elsewhere is bound to bring us unhappiness, as we have experienced countless times. Yet, we can still have very meaningful and passionate relationships.
Imagine if we can be a mirror for our partners and everyone else, and when they look at us, especially when they are disturbed and unhappy, they just see Unconditional Love and acceptance and peace, and it awakens the Unconditional Love, peace and acceptance within them too! We remind each other who we truly are.
Imagine the kind of person we needed when we forgot who we truly are. Now, we can actually be that person for those around us.
To conclude, we want to emphasize again that we can never find true, lasting peace and fulfilment anywhere, besides within ourselves. Seeking it elsewhere is bound to bring us unhappiness, as we have experienced countless times. Yet, we can still have very meaningful and passionate relationships.
 |
| We love and respect each other in such a way, that we make each other feel free. Unconditional Love. |
Comments
Post a Comment
Dear reader, thank you so much for visiting and for sharing your thoughts!